Hello dear ones,
For those who’re new here, this is my “Wounding/Wanting Diary” series for paid subscribers. If you can’t afford the $5/month for a paid subscription, you can email me at hello@margeauxfeldman.com. I never want money to be an access barrier, and I need to set some boundaries with this writing. Thank you for your understanding.
Because of the nature of what I’m writing about, I want to offer a content note here that will serve for all of this writing — and this piece in particular. In these entries, you will likely find details of sexual trauma, including rape, sexual assault, sex that occurred while drunk or high or both, intimate partner violence, and physical assault during sex. Please take care yourself after reading this writing.
Dark Holes
I remember the way a nervous system on fire remembers: which is to say too much or not at all.
I remember learning the phrase “stranger danger.” Decades later, I’d learn that those most likely to rape you are people that you know.
I remember him placing his hands around my throat while he fucked me.
I remember telling him, afterwards, to not do that again.
I remember him apologizing. And then doing it again.
I remember him slapping me in the face while he fucked me.
I remember telling him, afterwards, to please not do that again.
I remember him apologizing.
I remember him doing it again.
I (don’t) remember how long we stayed together after that. I check my old LiveJournal but I cannot find the answers I’m looking for. Instead, I’m amused to find an entry where I share my love of peeing with the door open. Turns out I’ve loved doing that for a lot longer than I remembered.
I remember a session with my therapist where she asked me to stand up and place my hands against a wall. “Imagine that he’s the wall and that you’re pushing him off of you.”
There’s so much I (don’t) remember [ ]
I (don’t) remember the names of all of the boys that I messed around with – if that is even the appropriate language to use when you’re too high and drunk to consent – between the ages of 14-20. The ones that I did remember can be found in the back of my grade 9 diary.