Hello dear ones!
What a time it is astrologically speaking! We just had the Full Moon in Gemini and Venus is now stationed retrograde in Capricorn conjunct Pluto (don’t worry if you don’t understand all of the astrological lingo – I will translate it below!). All of this astrological energy has kicked up A LOT of stuff for me in terms of the kind of structures I need for caring connections. I want to share those reflections and also offer some thoughts on how astrology has become one of the ways I care for myself.
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THOUGHTS & FEELINGS
Over the past year I have been taking a deeper dive into astrology. I’ve had my chart read twice, have taken numerous astrology classes, and downloaded the Chani App. Each an act of care. When I bought Chani Nicholas’s book You Were Born For This, I cried many times as I read it because I felt so seen.
In the introduction for the book, Nicholas describes how astrology allows us to be witnessed, and “being witnessed is essential to our humanity, our growth, and our ability to move past the trauma that we have survived. If astrology does its job, it offers a mirror in which we see both our best selves and our growth edges” (2). In Nicholas’s descriptions of my three major placements (Cancer sun, Sagittarius rising, and Aries moon) I found myself and my growth edges. The mirror reflecting me back to me.
To be seen by a human I’ve never met or interacted with is a profound gift. Growing up, after my mother’s death, I never felt seen by my father. Despite the fact that we shared the same sun sign, I didn’t see myself in him, and it was clear that he didn’t see himself in me. My mother was a Sagittarius sun, 5’2 with bright red hair, and the most outrageously delightful outfits: sequins, suede, and lime green were her favourite sartorial choices. She was a rebel who had a million different jobs throughout her lifetime. Pure Sag energy.
I’ve always felt like a mirror of her. And I wonder if that was too much for my father. If each time he looked at me, with my pink, blue, or purple hair, he saw her. It’s also possible that he looked at my hair colours or facial piercings as a sign of rebellion, rather than a sign of creative expression. This fundamental misattunement would go on to shape my attachment style.
Attunement is a core need. In her book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy, Jessica Fern describes how “Our attachment bonds are emotional bonds, and being able to emotionally tune into and connect with our partners is at the core of feeling safe and secure together. Attunement is a state of resonance with our partners and the act of turning towards them in an attempt to understand the fullness of their perspective and experience” (183). We learn the magic of attunement during our early development. When a baby cries, a caregiver will go through the motions of trying to figure out what it is that they need: are they hungry? Is their diaper dirty? Are they feeling sick? Each time a caregiver attunes to a child, that child learns what secure attachment is.
As we grow up and into adolescence, attunement looks different because, in theory, we now have the communication skills to tell the other what it is we want or need. Here, misattunement occurs when our caregivers do not understand our needs or desires, and they turn away from us. My father couldn’t understand why I’d want to change the colour of my hair or why I’d want a facial piercing. For him, my choice to rebel against his injunctions was a sign of defiance. For me, I was just trying to be myself.
Misattunement became the norm in our relationship. And so when I’m seen by another person, it is a profoundly healing experience. While it can often still feel terrifying to show up as the fullest version of myself, I know that I can no longer make myself small in order to remain in connection with others. It’s incredible to me what we’ll learn sacrifice in order to secure and maintain connections with others. Connection is, I believe, our most core need.
This weekend is the start of the Venus retrograde: a time for us to take stock of our connections with others and ask: does this connection still serve me? I’ve been thinking about this Venus retrograde for a while. My friend and astrologer Olivia Pepper read my chart recently and told me to buckle up. Here’s why: Venus is the planet that rules pleasure, desire, connections, relationships, and creation. During retrogrades, we’re called to reflect and review.
If you’ve dipped your toes into astrology land at all, you’ve probably heard of the dreaded Mercury retrograde, the time when technology stops working, your text messages don’t go through, you keep feeling misunderstood. Venus retrogrades bring a different kind of energy. These are times when all of our relational “shit,” as I affectionately call it, comes to the surface and screams LOOK AT ME!!!
This Venus retrograde is happening in the sign of Capricorn, calling to light the ways in which our relationships are structured and asking us to assess whether the containers we’ve created for our connections are really serving us. This action is happening in my 2nd house (because that’s where Capricorn is in my chart) and this house is the space of assets and how we value ourselves. So what does all of that mean? Well, it means that I’m being called to consider how I feel valued in relationships and how I own my value in my connections with others.
Growing up, I was taught that I had no value outside of being a caregiver and placing others’ needs before my own. You can imagine how this shaped how I showed up in relationships later in life: I was always self-sacrificing. My sense of self-worth was shaped entirely by what I gave to others. When others didn’t need me, I felt lost.
Now to make this Venus retrograde extra spicy, Venus is hanging out directly beside (or in astrology speak “conjunct”) Pluto, the planet of the underworld. This is a time of excavation. So get ready for the things you’ve pushed deep deep down to come to the surface: attachment wounds that you thought you’d processed or never knew you had; fears and longings for your connections with others; any shit you have around whether you deserve to feel pleasure and have your desires met. Cool cool cool.
I can’t think about all of these themes without thinking about care. Because, as Chani Nicholas wrote: “To wonder what I really want within my unions is to care for them deeply.” This feels like a pretty revolutionary statement to make, and one that I’m sitting with as this voice inside my head tells me that if I cared about my ex-partner, I wouldn’t be moving away. I remember this story. I first experienced it when I moved out of my father’s apartment in the suburbs and into downtown Toronto. I was wracked with guilt. Guilt for leaving my brother with my dad, thereby placing a higher burden of caregiving onto my sibling. Guilt for wanting to get away from my father (and his abuse - though I wouldn’t recognize it as abuse until over a decade later). It’s actually quite incredible to me that I went through with the move. Some part of me knew that I had to do it, that my survival depended on it.
Flash forward fourteen years and here I am, back in the past. A past that is clearly calling to be excavated so that I can grieve, process, and transform. That this is happening at the same time as Venus stations retrograde (not too long after an eclipse portal) doesn’t feel like a mere coincidence. It feels like I’m being seen by the stars. And in being seen, I am being held and cared for as I move through this moment in time.
Because here’s another thing I love about astrology: it connects me to the planets, stars, and the universe. As a white settler living on Turtle Island (what is colonially known as North America), I have never really had a relationship with nature. Growing up, our house backed onto a forest and ravine, a beautiful place that I was terrified of. We never went camping. And while I have always loved the water, I did so in an unconscious way, never really taking in how this element soothed me and calmed my nervous system.
Astrology connects me to the world above and calls me into a reciprocal relation of care. For so long, science has told us that astrology is not real. And yet we know that every element impacts others, just like the moon effects the tides. Each time I celebrate the cycles of the moon, the movement of planets in the sky, and allow myself to be seen by them, I am at the same time saying to the sky: You are real. Your impact on me is real. I see you. In this way, astrology is a practice of care.
PRACTICES
I want to offer some journal prompts that you can use to reflect on connection, care, and pleasure. You can use these prompts however you choose: you can write or type your responses; make a collage; or you can pull a tarot card for each of the questions.
What things do I value in my connections with others? What helps me feel nourished?
What habits, patterns, or beliefs about relationships am I ready to shed?
Am I happy with the structures or containers that my relationships are currently in? What might increase my pleasure?
How might I best tend to any relational wounds that are coming to the surface during this time?
And if you’d like to learn more about your chart, you can do so here. To get a comprehensive look, you’ll need your birth time. Take a look for where you have Capricorn in your chart, as that is where Venus is hanging out right now.
ACTIONS
I just found out about Gifts for Two-Spirit Youth, “a community-based initiative, sending gift bundles to Two-Spirit youth, during the depth of winter, as offerings of joy and resilience.”
Here’s what they’re all about, c/o their IG page:
“Last year, the gifts we sent were incredible thanks to the support of community members and financial support from allies. Bundles included makeup, books, beaded earrings, braided leather bracelets, medicines, body care, masks, patches, stickers, art prints, and more! With a budget of approximately $50 per gift, we were able to send out 23 gifts valued at over $250 each.
This year, the goal is to send 50 gift bundles!
How to get involved!:
🎁 Follow our new project specific account: @TwoSpiritGifts
🎁 Donate if you can!
🎁 Fill out our online form to request a gift bundle for a Two-Spirit (Queer and Indigenous) Youth, age 11-29, who you think would appreciate this gesture of community care. You can sign yourself up if you are that youth!*
🎁 Are you a community member who wants to contribute or a creator? We will be looking for individuals and organizations to collaborate with us and contribute to these bundles! More info in comment below.
*within our capabilities, all requests will receive gifts. For practical and shipping reasons, we ask that folks only request gifts for those in “Canada.”
We will be fundraising, gathering items, and preparing gift bundles over the next few months, to mail in early February.”