Hello dear ones!
I’m writing to you from Edmonton, which will be my new home in just 3 days! Life is feeling frenetic as my life is packed up into boxes, and so forming a cohesive narrative for this week’s newsletter feels a bit unaccessible. So here is a potluck of sorts. I want to share a little wrap up of 2021 with the Top 10 Books that Made Me Think a Lot of Thoughts; my spotify wrapped, but for therapy; a practice for visioning 2022; and some suggestions for making wealth redistribution a regular part of your budgeting next year.
Before we dive in, just a few reminders:
The first episode of OPENINGS is here and the themes are: friendship, what to do when your humans can’t show up to offer care, and internal family systems therapy. You can listen to it here.
If you love this newsletter and have the means to make monthly contributions, you can upgrade your subscription here! Paid subscribers get access to OPENINGS.
If you feel called to screenshot parts of this newsletter that are speaking to you and you wanna share it on your social media, PLEASE DO! If you could tag me that would be extra special <3
Don’t be afraid to leave a comment! I LOVE engaging with folks and learning more about you!!
THOUGHTS
Here are the Top 10 Books That Made Me Think A Lot of Thoughts (and feel a lot of feelings) in no particular order:
Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma by Janina Fisher. This workbook blew my mind. It was like I was looking in a mirror at myself in therapy over the past four years. 10/10 recommend to anyone who wants to learn more about their nervous system, attachment patterns, structural dissociation, and strategies for self-regulation.
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation by Janina Fisher. Before I’d even finished the workbook, I knew I had to order this book and it did not disappoint. I got to dive deeper into the theory behind Fisher’s model of parts work; I underlined SO MUCH because it felt like I was reading a book written about me. Would suggest starting with the workbook before diving in here.
Beautiful World, Where Are You? by Sally Rooney. I love EVERYTHING that Sally Rooney has written. Her characters are messy and complex and sometimes you’re so annoyed with them. This book explores a friendship between two women, and the romantic relationships they’re forming. Using long-form emails throughout, this book made me think about how we communicate and connect across space and time, and how we foster intimacy with one another in the face of trauma.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern. Technically I read this book in 2020, but it continues to be one that I pick up, reread, and quote from again and again. Hands down the best book I’ve read on nonmonogamy; but what I got the most from it was Fern’s masterful way of breaking down the attachment styles and providing a clear roadmap for building secure attachment with ourself and with others.
Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters. This novel by Torrey Peters follows the lives of Reese, Amy/Ames, and Katrina, as they attempt to create a queer family together. Peters challenges the typical detransition narrative that has been used by TERFs (trans-exclusionary radical feminists) to pathologize trans identity (they detransitioned because they were wrong about being [insert gender]) and offers a deeply nuanced portrayal of the ways that detransitioning becomes desirable because of rampant transphobia.
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz. Learning about theory and practice behind IFS had me nerding out hard. Schwartz writes in a deeply accessible way and offers practices that folks can do at home without the presence of a therapist.
Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement by Tarana Burke. This memoir taught me about the beginnings of the #MeToo movement through the narrative of Burke’s life. As a survivor of childhood sexual violence, Burke takes us on a journey through how she got into activism, and how her work in community enabled her to heal from her trauma.
I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness by Claire Vaye Watkins. I picked up this book because I loved the title and then couldn’t put it down. The unnamed narrator returns to the home she left behind in the desert and encounters ghost after ghost: her father, who was a member of the most famous cult in history; her mother, who struggled with addiction; an old boyfriend who died too young. Watkins portrayal of poverty, trauma, and the trauma of poverty was beyond powerful.
How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community by Mia Birdsong. On her website, How We Show Up is described as “an invitation to community and models for connection” and it is exactly that. As we move through the book, Birdsong critiques the ways in the American Dream has fragmented us from one another, and provides different examples of how Black, Indigenous, POC, and queer communities have resisted this fragmentation by creating models of family, friendship, and community care that will help us change the world.
by Kathy L. Kain and Stephen J. Terrell. Learning about early childhood developmental trauma was A TRIP. Drawing on attachment theory, Polyvagal theory, neuroscience, child development theory, trauma, and somatics, Kain and Terrell help explain how early trauma impacts us neurologically and relationally — and they provide roadmaps for healing our understanding of safety and building our capacity for regulation.
FEELINGS
I recently saw this post and felt inspired to follow the prompt.
Top Songs; or Things My Therapist Reminded Me of Again and Again
Confusion and uncertainty are signs that different parts are activated and need to be cared for.
Others’ distorted reflections of me do not need to replace my understanding of me. Even when others can’t see me, I can still choose to see me.
Wishing that the sadness will go away won’t make it go away. Being with the feeling is what will help it dissipate.
When we get stuck in our limiting beliefs, grief doesn’t get to flow. When we let the grief flow, it doesn’t overwhelm us.
It is possible to have safety, connection, and self-regard at the same time when I offer them to myself.
Top Genres; or the Major Themes of Therapy in 2021
Hello Disorganized Attachment! (Read more)
Secure Attachment is Something You Can Build With Yourself
Safety Mapping Doesn’t Have to be Oriented Towards Danger (Read more)
You Can Reparent Your Inner Teen (Read more)
Surrendering to the Unknown Won’t Kill You (Read more)
Aura
If you feel inspired to work with these prompts and felt like sharing them on IG, I’d LOVE it if you tagged me so I could see your lists <3
PRACTICES
I love a vision board. I find it super helpful to have a visual representation of my hopes and dreams for the year ahead. Not only is creating art a way to activate your ventral vagal nerve (which helps us come back into our window of tolerance) I find it super soothing to catch my vision board out of the corner of my eye throughout my day.
I’m not a human who loves “goals” because living with a chronically ill body and a traumatized mind mean that my goals can often get derailed. I find it much more supportive to select an “intention.” To do so, I pick a word that synthesizes what I want to work on and grow into. For 2020 my word was “surrender” because I knew that I wanted to work on letting go of control and surrendering to the universe. This year, my word builds on that theme: “mystery.” For more on why I picked this word, you can read issue #2 of CARESCAPES.
All you need is magazines, scissors, and a glue stick. You can download a collage kit I made here — print it out or use digital software! And here are some prompts to get you inspired.
2022 is ruled by The Lovers card in the Major Arcana (2+0+2+2 = 6). In what ways are you learning to love all of yourself, light and shadow?
You can calculate your tarot card for the year ahead by adding the year + your birth day + and month. So 2+0+2+2+8+7 = 21. Card 21 in the Major Arcana is The World, so that’s my card for the year ahead. If you get a number higher than 21, like 26, then you add 2+6 to get 8.
I’d LOVE to see what you create for your vision boards and if you’re open to it, I’d love to share them in a future CARESCAPES newsletter. If you’d like to submit yours to share, you can send me an email at hello@margeauxfeldman.com.
ACTIONS
Wealth redistribution is necessary for liberation and is an act of care. If you inherited wealth or you have had access to greater opportunities because of whiteness, it’s important to learn how to redistribute some of your benefits and earnings back to Black and Indigenous communities.
This post by @la.contraria outlines why we should be paying reparations, who should be paying them, and how to do so. And this post here offers other ways that you can redistribute wealth, including creating scholarships and bursaries for BIPOC. If you are someone who offers goods and services to earn your income, can you initiate a sliding scale where Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour pay $0 or a lower amount, and then higher tiers for those with access to wealth? You can take a look at my sliding scale model to see how I’ve tried to encourage wealth redistribution.
Here’s what my model looks like:
Level 1: FREE for BIPOC. These spots are reserved for Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour.
Level 2: $25. For those who’re low income, no savings, have minimal expendable income each month, and couldn't otherwise afford to attend without this option.
If you are a white person who cannot afford the Level 2 cost, you may contact hello@margeauxfeldman.com to ask for a low-income sponsorship or reduced rate. No one will be turned away. No questions asked.
Level 3: $45. For those who’re low to mid-income, with some money in savings and/or financial support from family; has some expendable income each month.
Level 4: $65. For those who’re mid- to high-income/stably employed, with savings account and financial safety net; can afford to take vacations and make other large purchases with relative ease.
Level 5: $85. For those for want to purchase for themselves AND sponsor another person as an act of wealth redistribution.
Level 6: $25: For those with the means to sponsor a free spot for BIPOC and those without the means to pay Level 2.
Thanks so much for being here for the first month of CARESCAPES!! If this newsletter inspires you, comforts you, and nourishes you, it would mean the world to me if you could share it with a friend or two; give it a shoutout on your social media; and/or subscribe for $5/month.
With gratitude,
Margeaux
I'm so glad I found your newsletter! (Forgive me, I'm about to ramble and get very nerdy here.) I never thought to calculate my tarot card for the year and I am so intrigued. So it turns out it's The Devil and as a new baby tarot reader I am surprised to see that The Devil is actually doing the Vulcan salute?! Star Trek has always been my biggest comfort show and I've been bingeing it a ton this holiday season. Anyway, TL;DR: this image is absolutely going in my collage. Also this might be the perfect sign to finally get the Vulcan salute tattoo of my dreams (once it feels safe to be indoors near people again.)
Thanks for letting me gush! All the best for you in 2022!
P.S. For non Trek fans, Discovery is the queerest, loveliest, most gender fluid iteration of the series yet and I cannot recommend it enough.