Crybaby 💦💦

Wounding/Wanting Diary #3

A photograph of Margeaux standing in front of a neon sign, shaped like a tear drop, with the words “24HR PSYCHO” written inside.

Hello dear ones,

Just want to give you a heads up that I’m changing up my schedule for substack. On Mondays I’ll send out my regular free CARESCAPES and then my Wounding/Wanting Diary will go out on Fridays.

For those who’re new here, this is my “Wounding/Wanting Diary” series for paid subscribers. If you can’t afford the $5/month for a paid subscription, you can email me at hello@margeauxfeldman.com. I never want money to be an access barrier, and I need to set some boundaries with this writing. Thank you for your understanding.

Because of the nature of what I’m writing about, I want to offer a content note here that will serve for all of this writing. In these entries, you will likely find details of sexual trauma, including rape, sexual assault, sex that occurred while drunk or high or both, intimate partner violence, and physical assault during sex. Please take care yourself after reading this writing.

“Crybaby 💦💦” is very much a work in progress and not yet done. If you feel called to comment and share your thoughts, I’d love to hear them as I continue to work on this essay.

With gratitude,
Margeaux

---

“By my tears, I tell a story.” - Roland Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse

In my 31st year, I found myself unable to cry. It began in July. I’d be walking down the street and I could feel the tears in my eyes, but had no idea what their source was. They refused to move beyond my eyelids, would just sit there: a little pool of tears. 

Not only could I not cry, but I was having dizzy spells. On my way to the grocery store, I’d have to stop, placing my arm up against whatever sturdy object was nearby, and hold myself there until the spinning stopped. I didn’t feel like I was in my body. 

I’d just returned back from a research trip that took me to New Orleans. While there, I went on some dates with Nate, a man I’d matched with on Tinder. Usually I ignore the dreaded Super Like – but Nate was an English teacher with a big beard, dark brown eyes, and covered in tattoos.