It Makes Sense You're Feeling F*cked Up

Or, Being Regulated All the Time Isn't the Goal of Trauma Healing

Hello dear ones,

Before I dive into today’s writing, here’s my little pitch for becoming a paid subscriber to my substack. With all that is happening in the world of social media, I feel my urge to divest from the transphobia, the censorship, and the anxiety of being beholden to an algorithm. But because IG is the made space where I promote my offerings — and thus the main source of my income — it feels like divesting is impossible.

If I’m able to grow my paid subscriptions here, I can take that leap of faith and move away from social media. Don’t worry, if I do that, you’ll still be able to receive the memes you know and love: I’ll just be sending them out to you via substack to all of my paid subs.

A paid subscription gets you:

• Subscriber-only posts and full archive;

• Access the community chats to connect with me and other subs;

• Monthly co-writing hangs, first Monday of the month;

• Regular memes in your inbox (once I get off of IG).

Right now paid subs are $7/month. But if that cost is an access barrier for you, just shoot me an email with what you’re able to pay, and I’ll create a discount code for you.

So endlessly grateful for your support! xoxox

---

I’ve been at a loss for what to write about these days. The truth is, I’ve been moving through a lot of dysregulation. For me, this looks like difficulty falling and staying asleep, the pervasive presence of anxiety in my chest, as if there are bricks on top of my lungs, crying at the drop of a hat, and getting into (and, much to my dismay, starting) conflict very, very easily.

And then comes this feeling that is a mix of fear and shame: Have I backslid in my healing??? Why can’t I just get it together???

Then I sit, and pause, and look at what’s been happening *gestures at the world.* I live in Los Angeles, where there have been devastating wildfires for going on three weeks. I cannot leave my house, safely, without a mask. Which leaves me, an immunocompromised person who is still masking during the ongoing COVID pandemic, with very little space to be unmasked.

While there was a ceasefire agreement in Palestine, the deaths of innocent civilians continue. And this past week we had the inauguration of a fascist president, who immediately declared that there are only two genders, and who is working swiftly to deny the existence of non-binary and gender-diverse humans like myself. It is A LOT.

And that’s just what’s happening globally and in the collective. While I’m grateful to be in a fairly stable place in my personal life, there continue to be hard things popping up. I feel like I’m in a game of whack-a-mole, trying to put out little fires — is this a poor analogy right now, or the most appropriate? — like conflicts with loved ones. And then I have to soothe my nervous system on top of all of that???? It is A LOT.

I used to think that the goal of trauma healing was to always be regulated (e.g. that I’d just get to hang out in my window of tolerance,¹ feeling chill, calm, and collected all the time). What I’ve come to realize is that dysregulation is necessary. If we’re always feeling chill, calm, and collected then are we really feeling the weight and gravity of what is happening in the world?? Or are we just dissociating???

Dysregulation tells us that something is wrong. It’s our nervous system’s brilliant way of keeping us safe from harm. When confronted with threat, we need to know how to act: Do I fight, flee, fawn, freeze, submit, cry for help? If we’re not able to connect safely with another human being, then we go on the offensive or the defensive. We get dysregulated.

The goal of trauma healing is to be able to notice when we’re dysregulated and move towards the tools and resources we need to help us come back into (the vicinity of) our window of tolerance just a little bit more. This already is a tall order when you’ve spent most of your life in a near constant state of activation. And if it’s something you feel like you could use some support with, I made a whole webinar about it.

Here are some of the things that I’ve been doing to access some regulating energy:

---

I usually have a paywall on my Friday posts, but today I just want y’all to have access to this writing. If, after reading this, you think “wow this is writing I would’ve paid to access,” or “I’m so grateful for these tools,” you can become a paid sub or send me a tip via Venmo @Margeaux-Feldman or through my website.

---

• Hot baths. Being in water is soooooo calming for me. And the heat really reminds me that I have a body.

• Calling a friend or loved one. When we perceive threat, the first thing our nervous system does is look for connection. If we have safe relationships, just hearing a loved one’s voice or having them place a hand on your back can offer some of that magical co-regulation.

• Getting involved in activism. When the world is burning, it’s so easy to feel helpless. But connecting with folks who’re participating in mutual aid and collective care helps me feel so much more hope.

• Staying off of social media. My IG is basically my source of news, and there is a lot of really shitty stuff happening in the world. Learning to become conscious of how often I pick up my phone, enables me to put it back down more easily. Also really recommend putting your phone in a different room for an hour or two (or longer).

• Going for a walk. Despite the fact that the air here is likely unsafe, the other day I met a friend at the park and just feeling the air and sun make contact with my body reminded me of just how co-regulating nature is.

Regardless of whatever is happening in your personal life right now, we’re living through an ongoing pandemic, numerous genocides, global climate collapse, and the movement towards fascism. These things should impact us. And, we also don’t want them to immobilize us forever. I truly believe that as a collective, we hold so much power. Power to heal ourselves, and to heal the world that we live in.

So be gentle with yourself when dysregulation shows up. Know that you can figure out how you can move through it. And then allow yourself to feel the grief that lives underneath, that needs to be felt. None of us have to do this work alone. We were meant to feel and grieve and heal together.

If you’ve been looking for community with other trauma bbs, and don’t already know about it, you might wanna join the discord server I run. It’s through my patreon, but no one is ever turned away for lack of funds. Learn more here.

1. The window of tolerance is a term developed by Dan Siegel. You can learn more about it here.