Secret Monster (I)

Wounding/Wanting Diary #7

Hello dear ones,

For those who’re new here, this is my “Wounding/Wanting Diary” series for paid subscribers. If you can’t afford the $5/month for a paid subscription, you can email me at hello@margeauxfeldman.com. I never want money to be an access barrier, and I need to set some boundaries with this writing. Thank you for your understanding.

Because of the nature of what I’m writing about, I want to offer a content note here that will serve for all of this writing. In these entries, you will likely find details of sexual trauma, including rape, sexual assault, sex that occurred while drunk or high or both, grooming, intimate partner violence, and physical assault during sex. Please take care yourself after reading this writing.

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A collage from Margeaux’s journal circa 2003. Full ID at the end

When you’re twelve, your dad gets an illegal satellite dish – small and grey and perched on your back deck – so you could watch all of the US channels on the big screen television, his most prized possession. You delight in being able to watch shows that are not available in Canada, like The Real World on MTV.

One day, up in the 500s, you are flipping when the screen fills with naked flesh pressed up against naked flesh. You pause. There are three porn channels, but this is the one you enjoy the most. There are no men. Years later, before you’ll really learn about strap ons or come to question the gender binary, you’ll write in your LiveJournal about a girl that you’re dating: “I like her a lot, but I just can’t see us being together longterm. I just need a dick.” This, it turns out, will not hold true. For now – and then again, some time in the future – all you want is a bedroom devoid of men. 

When your father and brother aren’t home, you close the blinds in the living room, leaving just enough space so that you could see your dad’s forest green minivan drive up. Lights turned low, you take off your pants and place a blanket overtop of your legs (this blanket, it’s important to note, comes from your bedroom. There are no blankets on the couch). This way, if you stop paying attention, and you hear the door unlock, you can quickly change the channel and pretend that you fell asleep while watching Saved by the Bell. No one will ask you why your duvet is on the couch. Or why your pants are on the mauve carpet.