Oh I love this and have been thinking through very similar ideas. The hardest stuff in my relationship right now is the stuff that reminds me of my childhood that past partners’ *didnt* trigger so it obviously at first glance feels like “this is not a good fit.” But I had the same realization: oh shit, this is my chance to heal it —not just find a partner who can parent me in ways I needed only to disappoint me some other way and have me freak out on them later. 🤪 thanks for articulating it so clearly and brilliantly as always 🙏🏻
I love it when our brains are thinking about the same things at the same time! 100% friend! Each relationship is a new opportunity to deal with different triggers. If we had to encounter every single one in a single relationship...well IDK what we would do. Cheering you on over here!! <3
“Because we grew up with caregivers who were unsafe, our safety map is all messed up. When in danger, we turn towards our caregivers to keep us safe. But when our caregivers are the danger, the only way we know how to make sense of this is to find safety dangerous, and dangerous things safe.” Oh wow. Seeing this is so validating and so well said. I’ve been working through this very thing for the past few years w my partner. It’s tough stuff but so rewarding.
I subbed for this post. My partner and I spent the better part of Saturday being in our most vulnerable headspaces and triggering each other. I mentioned concern about their weight being so low after their breakup, and while it came from a good place I learned later their ex would criticize their body for being too skinny more from an aesthetic standpoint. We approached the hurt after taking some time apart that day and I learned a lot about their history of body shaming and abuse that made my small concern into something much more difficult to handle. Without willingness to approach the wounds we could've never healed them, so this post resonates with my current journey as well. Also, loved the Berlant reference; I'm always looking for more queer writers to explore and would love more recommendations <3 thank you for your healing presence online :)
Thank you for these words! I have been thinking along similar lines recently, mostly about friendships, especially as another round of "you don't owe anyone anything" gets spouted as good advice by internet acquaintances. We do owe each other stuff! Relationships, of any stripe, are hard! They are still so so worth it though!!
thank you for the vulnerability and the beautiful words. you often strike a chord with emotions and healing processes similar to those i’ve been feeling, and it’s really helpful and validating to read about your experiences 🫶
Mind blown by this read. Thank you so much. I’m gonna have to reread it again - simply as I’m going through it all at the moment but I am always here for new insights and perspectives. No matter the outcome
Oh I love this and have been thinking through very similar ideas. The hardest stuff in my relationship right now is the stuff that reminds me of my childhood that past partners’ *didnt* trigger so it obviously at first glance feels like “this is not a good fit.” But I had the same realization: oh shit, this is my chance to heal it —not just find a partner who can parent me in ways I needed only to disappoint me some other way and have me freak out on them later. 🤪 thanks for articulating it so clearly and brilliantly as always 🙏🏻
I love it when our brains are thinking about the same things at the same time! 100% friend! Each relationship is a new opportunity to deal with different triggers. If we had to encounter every single one in a single relationship...well IDK what we would do. Cheering you on over here!! <3
“Because we grew up with caregivers who were unsafe, our safety map is all messed up. When in danger, we turn towards our caregivers to keep us safe. But when our caregivers are the danger, the only way we know how to make sense of this is to find safety dangerous, and dangerous things safe.” Oh wow. Seeing this is so validating and so well said. I’ve been working through this very thing for the past few years w my partner. It’s tough stuff but so rewarding.
I subbed for this post. My partner and I spent the better part of Saturday being in our most vulnerable headspaces and triggering each other. I mentioned concern about their weight being so low after their breakup, and while it came from a good place I learned later their ex would criticize their body for being too skinny more from an aesthetic standpoint. We approached the hurt after taking some time apart that day and I learned a lot about their history of body shaming and abuse that made my small concern into something much more difficult to handle. Without willingness to approach the wounds we could've never healed them, so this post resonates with my current journey as well. Also, loved the Berlant reference; I'm always looking for more queer writers to explore and would love more recommendations <3 thank you for your healing presence online :)
Thank you for these words! I have been thinking along similar lines recently, mostly about friendships, especially as another round of "you don't owe anyone anything" gets spouted as good advice by internet acquaintances. We do owe each other stuff! Relationships, of any stripe, are hard! They are still so so worth it though!!
thank you for the vulnerability and the beautiful words. you often strike a chord with emotions and healing processes similar to those i’ve been feeling, and it’s really helpful and validating to read about your experiences 🫶
🥹😭🥹 truly so honored to this writing could offer you some validation. Thank you for these kind words.
So much of this is so relatable and puts into words what has been swirling around in my brain for so long. Thank you! <3
So nice to see your presence here friend! I'm honored to hear that my words could give language to those swirling thoughts <3
Mind blown by this read. Thank you so much. I’m gonna have to reread it again - simply as I’m going through it all at the moment but I am always here for new insights and perspectives. No matter the outcome
WOW! Thank you so much for sharing. Sending you lots of softness as you *move through it*