Margeaux, I am sad to hear you are hurting. In whatever dimensional capacity I can, I'm sending you my hand to hold. I wish I could embrace you (consentually and in a non internet weirdo way). Your work continues to open so many doors not only for understanding, but how we relate to the world in general.
"In my relationships, there’s a big difference between saying “I need space right now” and “I know my need space right now might feel jarring. Is there anything you need to feel supported before I step away?” As someone with a lot of abandonment trauma, I have shared with partners and loved ones that it is helpful for me to receive some affirmation of our connection (“I love you/care about you”) and a timeframe for reconnecting (instead of “we’ll talk later,” it’s “let’s talk in an hour”). In this way, expressing our needs to another becomes a kind of collaborative process, an act of care that acknowledges our interdependence and responsibility to and for each other."
I think this part really meant a lot to me, and it took a second to realize why. I believe it's the way you're illustrating something that is often lacking in these discussions -- that relationships aren't abstract, they are real, person-to-person things. So often the posts like you're talking about, which lack nuance, are lacking it because they're trying to be big and broad and lay out blanket statements about how everyone "should" be/act/etc. But we are not all the same! And so our relationships are not all the same, nor will they look the same with a close friend vs a stranger. It feels like so much of what posts like that talk about make more sense if we're talking about boundaries and needs in reference to people we don't know, where we need to be empowered to not let strangers (especially internet strangers) dictate how we act/feel/etc when they are trying to exert their will over us without knowing us or trying in any way to relate to us. (That isn't to say, "Be shitty to strangers!" but rather, I definitely feel we owe less communication/collaborating to people who are trying to push our boundaries and ignore or react negatively to our needs that don't even know us or care to, if that makes sense.) But with relationships in our day to day lives, with people we care about? Rather than assume "one size fits all" when it comes to how things "should" operate in the relationship, actually talking about these things and finding ways to make our unique needs mesh and work well within the relationship makes way more sense. This gave me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it!
“ To act as if our responses happen in a vacuum of past trauma or lack of emotional capacity is not only pathologizing, but it ignores our interdependence. This way of thinking contributes to the ways in which folks on the radical left have weaponized the language of boundaries to justify being unaccountable. They will say “This is just my boundary. You don’t have to like it. I’m not responsible for how my boundary makes you feel” end of story. In this way, boundaries can be used to minimize your responsibility to those you’ve chosen to be in connection with. “
snaps to this! I’ve been encountering this a lot lately and felt a little crazy for being upset over it. As certain phrases and terminology become more common and mainstream I’ve seen it twisted to hurt and confuse people. I have trouble with the phrase “protecting my peace” sometimes because I’ve seen people use it to completely shut down the other person in a conversation. It feels very dominating to me and like a move to establish control in the conversation, very far from a collaborative relationship. It really irks me when people twist language in this way.
So, SO important! This is how I want to move forward in right relationship with those who I am still with. And... I'd love to find the repair and openness to share this with my ex, as well. IF, of course, that conversation is part of our healing journey.
Margeaux, I am sad to hear you are hurting. In whatever dimensional capacity I can, I'm sending you my hand to hold. I wish I could embrace you (consentually and in a non internet weirdo way). Your work continues to open so many doors not only for understanding, but how we relate to the world in general.
"In my relationships, there’s a big difference between saying “I need space right now” and “I know my need space right now might feel jarring. Is there anything you need to feel supported before I step away?” As someone with a lot of abandonment trauma, I have shared with partners and loved ones that it is helpful for me to receive some affirmation of our connection (“I love you/care about you”) and a timeframe for reconnecting (instead of “we’ll talk later,” it’s “let’s talk in an hour”). In this way, expressing our needs to another becomes a kind of collaborative process, an act of care that acknowledges our interdependence and responsibility to and for each other."
I think this part really meant a lot to me, and it took a second to realize why. I believe it's the way you're illustrating something that is often lacking in these discussions -- that relationships aren't abstract, they are real, person-to-person things. So often the posts like you're talking about, which lack nuance, are lacking it because they're trying to be big and broad and lay out blanket statements about how everyone "should" be/act/etc. But we are not all the same! And so our relationships are not all the same, nor will they look the same with a close friend vs a stranger. It feels like so much of what posts like that talk about make more sense if we're talking about boundaries and needs in reference to people we don't know, where we need to be empowered to not let strangers (especially internet strangers) dictate how we act/feel/etc when they are trying to exert their will over us without knowing us or trying in any way to relate to us. (That isn't to say, "Be shitty to strangers!" but rather, I definitely feel we owe less communication/collaborating to people who are trying to push our boundaries and ignore or react negatively to our needs that don't even know us or care to, if that makes sense.) But with relationships in our day to day lives, with people we care about? Rather than assume "one size fits all" when it comes to how things "should" operate in the relationship, actually talking about these things and finding ways to make our unique needs mesh and work well within the relationship makes way more sense. This gave me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it!
“ To act as if our responses happen in a vacuum of past trauma or lack of emotional capacity is not only pathologizing, but it ignores our interdependence. This way of thinking contributes to the ways in which folks on the radical left have weaponized the language of boundaries to justify being unaccountable. They will say “This is just my boundary. You don’t have to like it. I’m not responsible for how my boundary makes you feel” end of story. In this way, boundaries can be used to minimize your responsibility to those you’ve chosen to be in connection with. “
snaps to this! I’ve been encountering this a lot lately and felt a little crazy for being upset over it. As certain phrases and terminology become more common and mainstream I’ve seen it twisted to hurt and confuse people. I have trouble with the phrase “protecting my peace” sometimes because I’ve seen people use it to completely shut down the other person in a conversation. It feels very dominating to me and like a move to establish control in the conversation, very far from a collaborative relationship. It really irks me when people twist language in this way.
So, SO important! This is how I want to move forward in right relationship with those who I am still with. And... I'd love to find the repair and openness to share this with my ex, as well. IF, of course, that conversation is part of our healing journey.