I so agree AND I struggle a bit with these concepts. Maybe my personal experience is trying to make it work with people who felt that they "didn't deserve love," or that "I deserved better," and ultimately they could not show up the way I needed them to. It's easy to say the difficulty in the relationship was because they needed to love themselves more, but it's probably much more nuanced than that :) But, it has created a sense of me being "on guard" scanning for "lack of self-love" as a possible red flag (though I try to remain open and not judgmental). For example, in my last dating adventure I got to know someone who had a bit of a track record of serial monogamy, jumping from one relationship to the next over a decade. I tried to not read into the worst possible scenario, but after a few months of slowly getting to know this person, it was became clear to me that they didn't want a true equal partnership and friendship, they wanted a distraction! A co-dependent way of relating to others seemed all they craved, anything to get away from themselves. I told them, "it seems you don't value time with yourself, or being with yourself?" and they confirmed that to be very true. They keep running from being with themselves, using any excuse to not be home alone. The idea of sitting with themselves with their feelings was terrifying to them. I moved on from them for this and many other concerns. Anyways, it's definitely not B/W binary thinking, but I do look for some level of "being comfortable in your own skin," because my experiences trying to make it work with folks who don't have that have ended up being a pattern of hurting myself.
Overall, I have felt that this phrase has been used against me when I'm commiserating about my struggle to find a healthy partnership. I've been told, "Well, you must be attracting these type of people because you don't truly love yourself." As if I've had a string "healthy" suitors knocking down my door but I won't answer or something?? No, I've just been trying to slowly get to know people, and give them the benefit of the doubt, but typically, my time ends with the person being incompatible. It's not because I don't love myself. The fact that I keep dating even after 42 years is pretty remarkable and a true testament to the fact that I believe I deserve love.
So much of what you've shared here resonates with me. I've also totally been the serial monogamist and it was totally rooted in a fear of abandonment and inability to be with myself. And despite that, I really believe that I showed up lovingly in my relationships with others. So I think it's more about uncoupling the two: e.g. that a lack of self love = bad (at) relationships. I also really appreciate the point "As if I've had a string of 'healthy' suitors knocking down my door..." because YES!! Where are all of those humans?? Anyways, thank you so much for sharing about your experiences and how this piece landed with you.
Your reading makes me feel really happy and connected I think
Like the world is real and beautiful when I really feel what you’re saying
It’s also very true to me and this piece is very beautiful and full of hope which I love and need !so thank you for your writing, I don’t say it enough 💕
Also, I might just be convinced that I should watch Too hot to handle now?!?! People growing in their relationships and becoming more mature emotionally ?! In this economy ? That’s a good sales pitch I didn’t know could be applied to this show, well biases be damned, I’ll add it to my list 😳
Wow, first just thank you for sharing how you feel about my writing. I'm so moved. Also: so stoked for you to start THTH!!! Truly an undersold dating show.
This piece is so refreshing. This line of thinking we need to love ourselves before we love others is something, that has never fully made sense to me. I struggled with self love for years because I didn’t receive it from my parents. I also believe once other people told me I was lovable is how self love grew for me. As always a very well written piece.
And I agree that there are shades of grey, but it does help, based on my experience, to have a certain degree of self love.
I had to struggle tooth and nail to find mine, and have no idea where I actually am on that spectrum, although I know I'm closer to self love and self acceptance than I was when I was younger.
Thank you. And I so appreciate this comment. It prompted me to go back and add a little bit more to the essay. Which I'll just copy and paste here:
My friend Bunny Michael once shared this mic drop moment on their IG: “If you’re trying to love yourself, you already do. Where do you think the “trying” comes from?” I would add: “If you’re trying to love others, you must already love yourself, even a little.” Loving and being loved by others is an act of self-love — because we’re naturally hardwired for connection. Despite all of the times that our attempts at love were shot down, or turned against us, we are choosing, again and again, to commit ourselves to love.
Those are excellent points, Margeaux. I've read others who talked about how punitive that statement can be about not being able to love until you love yourself, and I agree that it can be weaponized.
I think part of building self-love and resilience is learning through practice: healthy relationships with others, romantic or platonic, and familial. Rewiring my trauma brain has been fruitful in challenging ways, but most of all, has brought me a community with which to thrive and love. The sad part about the binaries of love obviously don't give nuance, but it does make me question if it's *responsible* to agree to love someone so openly and enter [a] relationship with them if one cannot manage love for themselves. I think it can be irresponsible and other people are apt to get hurt. It's hard. I will love abundantly and expansively (because love is an infinite resource) but part of it is doling out my time, energy and capacity on others who share the same values and reciprocate it ethically.
I so agree AND I struggle a bit with these concepts. Maybe my personal experience is trying to make it work with people who felt that they "didn't deserve love," or that "I deserved better," and ultimately they could not show up the way I needed them to. It's easy to say the difficulty in the relationship was because they needed to love themselves more, but it's probably much more nuanced than that :) But, it has created a sense of me being "on guard" scanning for "lack of self-love" as a possible red flag (though I try to remain open and not judgmental). For example, in my last dating adventure I got to know someone who had a bit of a track record of serial monogamy, jumping from one relationship to the next over a decade. I tried to not read into the worst possible scenario, but after a few months of slowly getting to know this person, it was became clear to me that they didn't want a true equal partnership and friendship, they wanted a distraction! A co-dependent way of relating to others seemed all they craved, anything to get away from themselves. I told them, "it seems you don't value time with yourself, or being with yourself?" and they confirmed that to be very true. They keep running from being with themselves, using any excuse to not be home alone. The idea of sitting with themselves with their feelings was terrifying to them. I moved on from them for this and many other concerns. Anyways, it's definitely not B/W binary thinking, but I do look for some level of "being comfortable in your own skin," because my experiences trying to make it work with folks who don't have that have ended up being a pattern of hurting myself.
Overall, I have felt that this phrase has been used against me when I'm commiserating about my struggle to find a healthy partnership. I've been told, "Well, you must be attracting these type of people because you don't truly love yourself." As if I've had a string "healthy" suitors knocking down my door but I won't answer or something?? No, I've just been trying to slowly get to know people, and give them the benefit of the doubt, but typically, my time ends with the person being incompatible. It's not because I don't love myself. The fact that I keep dating even after 42 years is pretty remarkable and a true testament to the fact that I believe I deserve love.
So much of what you've shared here resonates with me. I've also totally been the serial monogamist and it was totally rooted in a fear of abandonment and inability to be with myself. And despite that, I really believe that I showed up lovingly in my relationships with others. So I think it's more about uncoupling the two: e.g. that a lack of self love = bad (at) relationships. I also really appreciate the point "As if I've had a string of 'healthy' suitors knocking down my door..." because YES!! Where are all of those humans?? Anyways, thank you so much for sharing about your experiences and how this piece landed with you.
This was a balm on my account heart. Wishing you a soothing recovery!
Thank you for the kind words and the get well wishes <3
Sooo beautiful!!!! ❣️❣️
🥹🥹🥹 tysm
Your reading makes me feel really happy and connected I think
Like the world is real and beautiful when I really feel what you’re saying
It’s also very true to me and this piece is very beautiful and full of hope which I love and need !so thank you for your writing, I don’t say it enough 💕
Also, I might just be convinced that I should watch Too hot to handle now?!?! People growing in their relationships and becoming more mature emotionally ?! In this economy ? That’s a good sales pitch I didn’t know could be applied to this show, well biases be damned, I’ll add it to my list 😳
Wow, first just thank you for sharing how you feel about my writing. I'm so moved. Also: so stoked for you to start THTH!!! Truly an undersold dating show.
“Both loved performing in musicals and Jesus.” Made me chuckle, that’s so funny and sweet 😆 Stellar sentence 💫
Hahaha thank you! Love knowing what lines are your fav :)
This piece is so refreshing. This line of thinking we need to love ourselves before we love others is something, that has never fully made sense to me. I struggled with self love for years because I didn’t receive it from my parents. I also believe once other people told me I was lovable is how self love grew for me. As always a very well written piece.
Thank you so much Sam. I totally relate to that experience <3
Hi Margeaux, I hope you're feeling better soon.
And I agree that there are shades of grey, but it does help, based on my experience, to have a certain degree of self love.
I had to struggle tooth and nail to find mine, and have no idea where I actually am on that spectrum, although I know I'm closer to self love and self acceptance than I was when I was younger.
Hi Diana,
Thank you. And I so appreciate this comment. It prompted me to go back and add a little bit more to the essay. Which I'll just copy and paste here:
My friend Bunny Michael once shared this mic drop moment on their IG: “If you’re trying to love yourself, you already do. Where do you think the “trying” comes from?” I would add: “If you’re trying to love others, you must already love yourself, even a little.” Loving and being loved by others is an act of self-love — because we’re naturally hardwired for connection. Despite all of the times that our attempts at love were shot down, or turned against us, we are choosing, again and again, to commit ourselves to love.
xo
Those are excellent points, Margeaux. I've read others who talked about how punitive that statement can be about not being able to love until you love yourself, and I agree that it can be weaponized.
I think part of building self-love and resilience is learning through practice: healthy relationships with others, romantic or platonic, and familial. Rewiring my trauma brain has been fruitful in challenging ways, but most of all, has brought me a community with which to thrive and love. The sad part about the binaries of love obviously don't give nuance, but it does make me question if it's *responsible* to agree to love someone so openly and enter [a] relationship with them if one cannot manage love for themselves. I think it can be irresponsible and other people are apt to get hurt. It's hard. I will love abundantly and expansively (because love is an infinite resource) but part of it is doling out my time, energy and capacity on others who share the same values and reciprocate it ethically.
I looooove this so much 🩷🧡❤️
Thank you friend xoxo