There’s been a trend going around recently, in which folks on the internet name that social media is highly curated, and go on to share “real things I struggle with that I don’t usually share.” I’ve been wanting to participate but my brain hasn’t been able to figure out how to combine that content with my memes, so here I am, off of social media, so to speak, writing this post.
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Real Things I Struggle With That I Don't Usually Share...
I am ashamed of how much my sexual trauma impacts my sex life with my partner. I feel shame every time I cry during or after we have sex. And I worry that they’d be happier with someone “less broken” than me.
Re #1: I have been crying during and after sex, a lot. In the past few months, it’s been rare for me to have sex and feel totally in my body. There’s so much grief there and I’m scared that I’ll never be able to process it all.
I’ve done a lot of work to let go of other’s perceptions of me, but I am so terrified that people are still spreading rumours about me / I know that they are. So when someone I admire shares my work on IG, I worry that they’ll start receiving DMs from my haters and they’ll stop engaging with me (that this has already happened doesn’t help).
Connected to #3, I am constantly collecting evidence that I am secretly a monster, that I am actually all of the horrible things that anyone has ever said about me and that I’ve been lying to everyone around me.
I look back on almost all of my social interactions and wonder if I came off as crazy or too much, too needy or clingy or weird or off-putting.
Despite being in the loving secure and safe relationship of my dreams, I find myself thinking about past relationships, where I was hurt and mistreated so horribly, and I play out a different reality in which they’ve changed and we’re now together. I have no desire for this to actually happen (because #SoGay and also #IamHealing) but I worry that this is evidence for point #4.
I worry that I’ll never find the kinds of deep connections in LA that I have back at home with my besties. That when people say they want to be my friend, they either a) are only interested in me because they’ve been following me on social media; or b) that them not reaching out to make plans after I’ve already tried is a sign that they actually don’t want to be my friend but don’t know how to say so.
Maybe I’m actually not a good writer and I only got into this MFA program by a fluke / because everyone else applying that year was somehow worse of a writer than I am. And my agent must be crazy.
That my anxiety around money makes me a deeply irresponsible person. That I just need to buck up and get over my poor kid trauma so that I can make a monthly budget, file my taxes on time, and start a RRSP.
All of the horrible things that happened to me never truly happened. I just made them up in my head for attention — and that makes me even more fucked up than how fucked up I am / would be if all of those things had actually happened.
There’s so much that I don’t talk about on my IG. In part because there are just some things that I want to keep, just for me, and those who know me. And also because there is shame that keeps me quiet. And and also because I want to share the most vulnerable things off of IG, in a space that feels safer. So I do it here. Thank you for being here with me.
Culture Diary
This week my partner and I went to the book launch for Tommy Orange’s much anticipated sequel/prequel to There There, a book that I LOVED when it came out. The section that Orange read from Wandering Stars involved a discussion of generational trauma and jokes about therapy. 10/10 can’t wait to read it once my semester is done.
I’ve been doing A LOT of writing about my life between the ages of 14-20, and decided to make a playlist of all of the music I loved and listened to during those years. If you wanna listen to “Goth Teen Margeaux” click the link.
Rachel Ricketts sent me a copy of her newest book All I Need to Be, and my partner and I had the sweetest time reading it together. Definitely the book that all of our inner little ones need.
On Saturday night, we went to see the ever so gay and magical Carmen Elle perform. I fell in love with Carmen’s music back in Toronto when they sang in DIANA and it has been so sweet to see them play now in LA. If you watched Sort Of, you might recognize their voice.
As part of my indepedent study on autofiction, I read Stephanie Heit’s hybrid memoir in poems Psych Murders. Heit recounts the trauma of experiencing shock treatments and its aftermath, so triggering warning. Not really sure how the text is autofiction (was recommended to me) but it was haunting and beautiful — two of my fav things.
And, as always, I continue my third rewatch of Grey’s Anatomy as my comfort show / thing I have on in the background while I do other things. Am now on season 9, but am thinking of starting Shameless now that we’re done The Bear and I need more Jeremy Allen White in my life.
I really struggle with your first point, Margeaux. My sexual trauma feels vast and I really struggle not to feel broken when it comes to sex, even though I want it. Your last point resonated with me the hardest. I know cognitively that I didn't make up things half the time, but I also struggle to trust myself fully. I'll have moments of clarity, but, it is hard to feel. Usually when I am angry or when the person who hurt me hurts me again is when I'll remember it is real, but will struggle before and after to trust that I'm not overreacting.
Hi hi! I didn't want to comment on Instagram because that place is the ghetto 💀 but I've been a long time follower for three years. Your Instagram posts were a God-send, and I don't say this lightly after the messiest mental breakdown that I had. It lasted about 4 years. Your memes were so thoughtful and full of love. I wanted to be like you. So much has happened since then and I'm not able to keep up with your page like before. Social media is exhausting, but you are such a joy to me. We don't know each other, we'll probably never meet and we have vastly different experiences (black, Muslim, Nigerian and all the socialisation that comes with it) but I'm very grateful I get to live at the same time you were writing and it got to me. Imagine that! All my love 💕