Secret Monster (II)

WOUNDING/WANTING DIARY

Hello dear ones,

A few weeks ago, I shared the first part of an essay I’ve been working on called “Secret Monster,” which details all of the evidence I’ve collected over the years to prove that my worst fear is true: that I’m secretly a horrible person and one day everyone will find out and abandon me. The essay still doesn’t feel done. I’d love to hear any thoughts or feelings you have about the piece and/or anything you’d like to see me dive into further.

For those who’re new here, this is my “Wounding/Wanting Diary” series for paid subscribers. If you can’t afford a paid subscription, you can email me at hello@margeauxfeldman.com. I never want money to be an access barrier, and I need to set some boundaries with this writing. Thank you for your understanding.

Because of the nature of what I’m writing about, I want to offer a content note here: sexual trauma, rape, sexual assault, sex that occurred while drunk or high or both, slut shaming, bullying, cancellations. Please take care yourself after reading this writing.

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This is an essay about my lived experience being bullied, slut shamed, and ostracized as a teenager in the years before social media. And then my experiences, some twenty years later, going through two attempts to cancel and deplatform me. I usually try to offer a preview for free subscribers before they hit the paywall, but this is just too tender for me to do that. Thank you for your understanding.

When you were eleven, you had a crush on your babysitter’s daughter’s boyfriend, JP. He was tall, wore baggy jeans and t-shirts of metal bands you’d never heard of. When you start high school, and find the people who’ll become your friends hanging out at the bleachers, you’ll see JP. His hair is much longer now. Like many of your new friends, he’s been kicked out of high school. 

When he begins dating your best friend, you’re so annoyed. But you say nothing. Just wait. During one of their many breakups, you’re at the movies with JP and some other boys. You reach your hand under the armrest and place your hand in his lap. Start rubbing. His cock is massive – but this you already know. The best friend told you.

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